Here we go, suddenly it came. The talk, messaging, calling, eating and preparing before it didn’t matter anymore. I saw the piece of metal beforehand; it was a hollow tube, with one end ground in half and sharpened. 


        ok here we go


    That was one half

                and wait…


                    Three…two…onepush    and

                            Three two onepush


Deam, I lost the focus, but it is through…       All four of them

                    I need a sugar-cube

And in a few moments, the world will stop getting fuzzy as my chemical levels will return to normal. Until then, let’s get used to this feeling, I can move freely, even lift my arms up. But the tension does pull then. Not speaking of the clattering of the rings at the end, behind my back. 

                It’s going to be cold outside.

                        Okay… I think 

I am ready for this…

Stepping outside, getting rigged up, trying the tension and putting the first few steps, the insignificant loss of control. Where I know that my body should be falling, that it could not possibly hold it’s balance like this…

Then came the feeling of panic, right there at the porch, trying to get through…gave up the physical control, let them hoist me up, get me higher, above the tipping point…

                        Legs up

I was hanging from hooks.

Thirteen minutes later, I was light as a feather. Gone for a while with a shitty smile on my face. Up there, relaxation came like a blanket…

                        Closed eyes and just hanging

                     there was no real pain in there, 

                        I could move, talk and feel… 

   Listening to one’s own body        

                        after I came down…

When I started walking, I felt the joy, the overpowering sensation that kept buzzing. I have been somewhere else. Much later came the fear and loathing of what has happened. The picture where my body has been punctured, of the patch of skin that had to reunite with my flesh. 

The realization of what my body did go through. Still, it passed away, the soundness of mind returned and it became a part of me. 

I reached he height and the valley of it. 

Stainless steel in flesh.